Fuck the ducks

I wanted to weigh in on something making huge news not just in my province, but the world: Oily ducks.

Alberta is rarely in the news globally, but this time her name was mentioned by CNN, MSNBC, and I’m sure, all the environmentalists that ever environmentalate. Ducks in Alberta are falling into toxic ponds and need to be saved. Save the ducks!

Because we are a visual population, it seems that we don’t really click with issues until there is imagery. Ducks painted black, plummeting into ponds, saved by sweet old women, contained in boxes, squirming for their lives. Quack, said the duck. Quack. And then Premier Ed Stelmach responds by saying 30,000 birds are killed by wind turbines a year. And all the ducks quacked “heartless” and “crass” at Mr. Stelmach. But I think he’s right, sort of.

A lot of things kill birds. These hundreds of oily ducks are lucky not to be one of the 100 million torn to smithereans by felis silvestris, or “the house cat,” one of 50-100 million killed by automobiles, or one of possibly 1 billion killed by evil glass windows. (Find out what else kills birds more than oil.)

To criticize oil because its harmful to ducks is like bringing a gun to a light-speed-laser-killing-machine fight. If you want ammunition to use against big oil, start with their quarterly profits (a ‘disapointing’ $10.9 billion for Exxon Mobil) or the cost of food skyrocketing because of increased transportation costs, leading to possible genocide. Or that it probably led to the war in Iraq, which has unlimited negative effects on us all. Or that we’ve become slaves to it, slashing our other expenses just to keep up with the cost of travel. Or uhhh, climate change. Or, wait! How about the toxic ponds these ducks are falling into. That’s pretty visual right?

Of course all of the aforementioned has been discussed at length (save the latter, toxic ponds), but to bring ducks into the equation is quackery. This should barely be more than a local story. If you want to save birds, start with your house cats. Annihilate them. No? Then shut the fuck up and focus on the big picture.

Two more May reviews for Exclaim

I totally forgot that I reviewed these two albums too. It’s a good thing I Google my name daily!

Talib Kweli & Mick Boogie, MCEO

…his mix-tapes are on par with his weaker major releases

Big Noyd, Illustrations

…sounds as generic as these randomly selected two bars: “I just drive by slow, and point that heat/Out the window, a nigga want beef.”

I didn’t actually mean it when I said “take me to church”

The front steps were brimming with smoking hipsters, the security guard was at least 80 years oid, the ticket lady brought her bridge club friend, and while the DJ (Scratch Bastird of all DJs) did his set, the hipsters fondled the books fixed before every hard wooden steeple. Yip. You guessed it: this rap show was at a church, and I felt so uncomfortable.

I just don’t think I’ll get it. Ever. Why did the church host this show? Were they pandering to the youth? Or did They just want to integrate with the community and rep our hometown boy Cadence Weapon? Or do they just offer a sweet venue price?

I think they were pandering to the youth.

It didn’t work. All it achieved was a lot of secretive drinkng and drug using, and ansty sobers eager to cross the street to the Starlite Room.

Big ups to Cadence Weapon for maintaining his energy throughout, especially among a crowd that, like me, probably felt like they were going to get in trouble if they swayed their hips a little too much. (Buck 65, on the other hand, seemed totally deadened by the environment despite being the headliner.)