My city newspaper is not the Onion, but it could be

Campbell Brown naked!

Not here. Sorry. But I couldn’t help but notice how much traffic the keywords “campbell brown naked” brings me. Here, look at this chart.

Now I know that nine hits is not a lot. In fact, it’s very low. But this is significant, I think, for the fact that I mentioned Campbell Brown only once months ago.

So I am going to experiment here with this meta-blog. Later , I will share the traffic stats resulting from this very specific post in which Campbell Brown is not naked. I repeat: Campbell Brown cannot be found here. At least, not nakedly. However, if you are looking for pictures of her naked, I’m directing you to this link. No, it’s not her naked — sorry. It’s a discussion group focused on sharing thoughts and boners inspired by Miss Brown’s beauty.

Memories of Smoking, now available in instant book.

I authored an instant book for Matt Prins’s brilliant blog, or mini library, Instant Books Are Your Future and you can too! Instant Books is now open to submissions. Mine, Memories of Smoking, is a memoir about my life as a smoker, and re-inventing myself as an e-smoker.

Memories of Smoking. By me.

Let me tell you what to do

This month, you can find me in the skies when you open up J Magazine, the inflight magazine of Kuwait’s Jazeera Airways. What for? So that I can tell you what to read, watch and listen to.

It was hard to narrow down my recommendations from the thousands of movies, I’ve watched hundreds of CDs I’ve owned and four RL Stine freaky fictions I’ve read. But I got it down to a great movie about a girl buying a goldfish, an album about being the whitest rapper and a book that would lead to an unreasonable American cult.

You can read the online version here or see the fancy page proof here.

Who likes to laugh?

Top 10 Reasons Why 2008 Was My Best Year Ever

10. A trip to Montreal

10. Friends with Nicki

9. Moving into my own place

8. Second-place award at the Sex-Positive Journalism Awards

7. Being in the news countless times *

6. A 10 day trip to New York City & Washington, DC

5. New job at Avenue magazine as Assistant Editor

4. Having my first book ever published, Amazing Cats, although I never thought my first book ever published would be about cats

3. Hip-Hop in the Park, and the love of helping to create it

2. Releasing my debut album, If You Don’t Buy This CD the Terrorists Win, to critical acclaim

1. Falling madly in love

Other notable mentions: Kristan & Steven’s great 3-day wedding; Barack Obama is a win for all; the creation and maintaining of Wild Style Wednesday; and interviewing James Randi, Michael Shermer and Steven Novella.

* Next Monday I will be interviewed for CBC national radio’s show, The Point, regarding my latest article for Avenue, The Kindness of Strangers

AOK’s Top 10 Hip-Hop Albums of the Year

I’m not a music snob, I swear. It just so happens that in 2008, the best work came from the ground up. Sure, Lupe Fiasco, The Roots and Nas all put out strong albums (I am aware that many will disagree on the latter, but I will not budge on my statement that it “could be this generation’s Fear of a Black Planet”), but compared to the rest of their catalogues, they were far from their best works. Meanwhile Jean Grae rose from the ashes like a phoenix and made something worth retracting all her retirement threats, while Common Market toned down the Christian-overtones to make something universally brilliant and the most verbally intricate album I’ve ever heard. Rhymesayer’s Jake One stitched together mainstream and underground with his debut album as a producer.

Most remarkably, for me, I had three Canadians on my list this year (as opposed to previous years when it was one or zero), and the best one–of both the Canadians and the entire list–came to me almost accidentally. I drunkenly bid on D-Sisive’s The Book for $5 at a silent auction. My first listen shook me to my core. It is haunting and beautiful, moving and stiffening, unfamiliar and, yet, orthodox hip-hop. It’s one of the best displays of lyricism I’ve heard in years.

10. The Roots – Rising Down (Def Jam)

Rising Down is not the Roots best work, with too many cameos and music that breathes more than energizes. But make no mistake — it’s still a banger. Lyrically, Black Thought is more precise with his rhyme schemes and feistier. Musically, the band shows no apprehension to experiment with new instruments. All in all, Rising Down is proof that the Roots might be one of most consistent musical artists — period. – Exlcaim! December/08

9. Shad – The Old Prince (Black Box)

8. Jean Grae – Jeanius (Blacksmith)

You could spend an eternity talking about female rappers, there’s place in the business and the common bullshit they have to put up with–either being pegged as sex symbols like Lil’ Kim or party-poppers like Missy Elliot. You could also spend an eternity avoiding the gender issue, pretending like Jean Grae is just one of the boys. But the fact is, there is an obvious gender barrier, and it’s one that Jean Grae handles appropriately and never exploitively. [...] – 30Music.com August 20/08

7. Nas – Untitled (Def jam)

Revenge is sweet on Untitled, the album formally known as Nigger. While Jay-Z made promises of a concept album and didn’t quite deliver, his counterpart, Nas, made no such pact and created an album so powerful and precise that it could be this generation’s Fear of a Black Planet. Although the experimentation doesn’t always succeed (the piano-laced “Queens Get That Money” begs for a drumbeat, “Project Roach” demands more than one verse and “Testify” is boring and all over the place), when it does work, it works wonders. On “Fried Chicken,” Nas and Busta Rhymes reclaim stereotypes and eroticise Southern dinners like Courvoisier. “Y’all My Niggas” and “N.I.G.G.E.R.” are important American songs in their own right but come November, “Black President” might be America’s new anthem. And for all the media pundits who, without a modicum of knowledge, assumed that Nas was exploiting the dirtiest word in the English dictionary for shock value, “Sly Fox” bites back and leaves a hole in their necks. – Exclaim! August/08

6. Jake One – White Van Music (Rhymesayers)

Opening with an encounter between a stranger and beatsmith Jake One, depicted as a street junkie addicted to “musical dope,” White Van Music establishes itself from the get-go as a celebration of dope-ness no matter the hip-hop subgenre. Smooth soul or hard gangsta rap, it explores every facet with an impressive cast that ranges from Busta Rhymes to Blueprint. Some peculiar collaborations include “The Truth,” which brings together beat-thrillers Freeway and Brother Ali, and “Glow,” where Elzhi’s smooth style meshes with Royce Da 5’9’s usual hype-ness. United by their hunger and lyrical talents, and the heat of a Jake One beat, the teamwork is perfect. But while the beats never falter some rappers do. Young Buck’s name on “Dead Wrong” will raise eyebrows but his performance is unexciting without surprise. MF Doom contributes to two songs, “Trap Door” and “Get Er Done,” the former being severely boring. Ultimately what it accomplishes (aside from a consistently and continuously good listen) is solidify Rhymesayers Entertainment as a serious label no longer limited to underground status. (Rhymesayers) – Exclaim! November/08

5. Justis – Just Is (Do Right!)

When the intro’s horns erupt and Justis delivers his first two bars, you get that rare feeling that this is going to be something special. The Kitchener-Waterloo rapper and producer gets everything right on his debut, finding a delicate balance between personalisation and audience inclusion. On “I Am Hip Hop,” he raps, “Despite asthma, I rip mics and write chapters.” Whether he is making a good point (“Try’n To Live,” “Music For A Rainy Day,” “Cocaine”) or just having good time (“Down,” “Get it Right,” “Weekend”), Justis has the cadence, lyricism and production skills to make him a defining voice in Canadian hip-hop. Just Is is just one of the best rap debuts in recent memory. (Do Right!) – Exclaim! June/08

4. Shawn Jackson – First of All... (Tres Records)

3. Lupe Fiasco – The Cool (Atlantic)

2. Common Market – Tobacco Road (Hyena Records)

If you’ve never heard RA Scion rap before, it really is something to experience. He possesses an impressive vocabulary, meshes it with a rapper’s drawl, always has total control over his words and wraps them around the beats beautifully. In the case of Common Market, it’s producer Sabzi’s melodic, piano-laced beats. Fresh off a critically acclaimed EP (Black Patch War), the duo return with Tobacco Road, a loose concept album dedicated to a Kentucky farmer. From opener “Trouble Is” to swan song “Tobacco Road,” Common Market document the farmer’s rise and struggle in a narrative reminiscent of Upton Sinclair’s Oil! Even the songs that deviate from the theme display an explosive storytelling style. There are definitely Christian undertones to all that RA Scion raps but it’s more humbling than preachy. Tobacco Road is a stellar album that begs for repetitive front-to-back play. (Hyena) – Exclaim! October/08

1. D-Sisive – The Book (Urbnet)

[...] I got my hands on D-Sisive’s EP The Book. It was one of the items in my album release party/HHitP fund raiser’s silent auction. I bid $5 on it because I’d seen D-Sisive’s ads around the web and read some good reviews. I popped it in and immediately was shaken. This album, eight tracks deep, is more profound and poignant than 95% of the 500+ albums in my collection. It is haunting and beautiful, moving and stiffening, unfamiliar and, yet, orthodox hip-hop. It’s one of the best displays of lyricism I’ve heard in years. – July 1/08 blog entry

My article about the Sexies Awards in Chief Mag

Squirting lube into Matt Prins's hand

Ayo! (Insert apologetic phrase for not having blogged more often here.) (Insert non-existent sorrow of a dedicated reader here.) As I said before, after returning from New York and the Sex-Positive Journalism Awards, I wrote an article about it for Chief Mag in Brooklyn. Very cool online mag, very Vice-like.

Here’s the article.

It’s one of those awards that screams “boo-yah!” Like the dude in my high school yearbook voted “most likely to be jailed,” I was riled with an air of subversiveness when my work was recognized by the Sexies, or the Sex-Positive Journalism Awards. (Okay, so my award was for second place—and my high school peer was only convicted of second-degree murder—it’s still an honor.) As an Arab-Canadian with a Muslim upbringing in a cold, conservative Alberta town, I had as sexually suppressive a raising as one could have in the Western world, save, maybe, being raised Amish. I imagined coming home with a silver cock statuette to place on my mother’s mantle next to my high school graduation picture and diploma.

Avenue articles I wrote

I’m now a full time staffer at Avenue magazine (Edmonton), positioned as assistant editor. Excuse me, I mean Assistant Editor. I wanted to share some of my articles with those of you who are regularly keeping up with my endeavors, I mean, stalking me. That’s okay, I’m probably stalking you too.

Wish You Were Here

Edmonton’s hotels are coming up short in what they offer visitors who are disabled

Put yourself in a disabled person’s travelling shoes for a moment. You’ve just flown into Edmonton. At the arrival gate and on the DATS bus, helpful personnel give you an extra hand.

But at your hotel, the city seems less welcoming. When you were booking a room, there weren’t that many places to choose from that were accessible for your disability. Those with the most to offer put you over-budget. Availability was also at a premium; most hotels had just one or two rooms equipped as “accessible.” You booked the best you could afford.

Erotic Exercise?

Actually, pole dancing has become a popular form of high-intensity toning

When I told people I was off to take a pole dancing class, they expected me to leave the house in glass heels and return with a tub of toonies, not knowing that at the studio where I was headed, the women wear yoga clothes and the only refreshment is water.

Triple Threat

As an actress, singer and film producer, Cara Albo shows confidence onstage and in the boardroom by wearing classic cuts and vintage clothing

Cara Albo was still shy of her 19th birthday when the Edmonton-based actress and singer gained yet another title: executive producer. To get this title, Albo raised $3 million for locally based skyline motion Pictures Inc., to fund Cat’s Cradle, a feature film about a pop singer on the brink of a Britney spears-like breakdown, in which Albo also played the lead role.

Did Ahmadinejad really say he wanted to wipe Israel off the map?

No.

He didn’t.

And if I hear someone else claim that he did again I’m going to flip out. Why nobody in the US media has come forward to say that this is a misquote, I don’t understand. And not a misquote like he really meant to say “Israel must be wiped off the mat.” Or, “Isicles must be wiped off the map.” I mean they tried to translate Farsi to English and loosened both the Persian idioms and definitions to fit this second-holocaust rhetoric I keep hearing from America’s most powerful, including, yes, Barack Obama.

Real translation of Ahmadinejad quote: “…this regime occupying Jerusalem must vanish from the page of time.”

Read here for more about debunking this myth.